I found it quite an emotional journey for me writing about my mum and dad and how it affected me. I shed lots of tears but I felt that I should write in this way. I have always wondered whether other eldest children in a family feel as I do. Always having to protect, support and feeling that you have to be the strong one. Always the one in charge of a situation. This even extends to being in charge of situations which are not family related.
Is this just a personality thing or an eldest child concept?
Speaking as an Eldest child, the daughter of two eldest children, and friends with eldest children, i would have to suggest its an eldest child concept. Though perhaps mixed with personality as well, we can’t help but have our personality in the mix.
Theres this great feeling of “Responsibility”, a feeling that you need to be good and strong, even ‘the best’ at things.
I think you put it well, a feeling of needing to be the strong one, and in charge of the situation.
Whether part of it is setting a good example, or perhaps part of it is needing to stand out from the others.
I think there are similiar feelings as an eldest grandchild too, because (whether they occur or not), there can be the feeling that as a child or grandchild, the other children in the family are compared to you, or you are compared to them.
As the eldest you should be the good one.
I think often there can also be a sense from others that the eldest child can cope, where in some situations they may also want more support.
Perhaps all eldest children should stand up for themselves and shout out they want help, though i don’t think its that easy.
I know that there are many situations where i like to feel in control, as i feel responsible, that is probably also a mix of my personality and being an eldest child.
But when thinking of an eldest child, the word that comes to mind is ‘Responsible’, ‘Responsibility’.
Its good to know Nic, that other eldest children feel the same as me. I know that my sisters look to me as being the one who they can confide in and has all the answers. But I certainly dont. In fact sometimes it is me who wants someone to confide in. I think maybe my mum treated me as the ‘responsible’ one and Im now left with this legacy.
I also agree that you have to prove that you are the ‘best’ when you are the eldest and if sometimes you are not the best, in your mind you have let yourself down. In fact I feel a great loss of self esteem even if I come in second best.
It would be interesting to get the views of a youngest child in a family to see if they actually do see their eldest sister/brother as the ‘responsible one’.
I was raised as the youngest child in a family of four boys.
We were all spaced at around four years apart so to me, my brothers always appeared much more grown up than I.
Because of this, I think, any feelings of being responsible for other people didn’t properly gel within me until after I had reached adulthood – probably after marriage and having a family when you learn fast of the need to take care of others.
In my case also, both my father and mother were quite old when I was born – Mum 40 and Dad 54, I am sure this must have also been significant to me with respect to family responsibilities. To me as a child they were old and wise and clearly on top of bringing up families. They didn’t need, nor did they see any merit in, delegating any family responsibility to their children.
Feeling responsible for other people was a learned thing with me, I simply wasn’t in a situation where I saw there was any body to be responsible for. I think also, an only child might be in a similar position to the youngest in a family.
In a close extended family, with younger cousins, I agree with Nic that feelings of responsibility would develop when looking after the young ones. While part of my upbringing was associated with younger cousins, I think I was not sufficiently close to them (and I was a teenager by then) to have any responsibility for them rub off onto me.
Vern, remember that your mum also was the eldest child of a large family. She was probably looked up to by all her brothers and sisters and her parents as the role model. She probably felt she had to be strong especially as she had a family of 4 children to also be responsible for. You would have just taken it for granted that you didnt need to to have any responsibility because you had all these other people looking after you and, being the youngest, mothering you as well. Your mum also had a period when she suffered clinical depression. So she did find life quite a battle.
Im a bit puzzled by your comment that feelings of responsibility would develop when looking after young cousins. I think Nic was referring to the fact that as an eldest grandchild she felt she was being compared to her younger cousins. She was also the trail blazer. My feelings of responsibility only related to my immediate family. I certainly didnt feel any responsibility for my cousins and like you I was not all that close to them.
I have a very close friend who is an only child and I think she has all the characteristics of an eldest child. She has had to bear an enormous burden as her parents have got old. Her father has now died and her mother is now in resthome care. She has no one to share her concerns with other than her husband.